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C'est moi, simplement moi.

Introspection of a warped intellect

Feeling Better
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I've been going through a lot of changes recently, health-wise. I don't have time to go into it right now, but just wanted to share with you all that, for the past couple of weeks, I've felt the best I have in years. And sometimes I want to cry because I feel so much better. Details coming soon. =)


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As usual, I've meant to write for a long time and haven't been able to summon the energy. Writing really isn't my thing. Most times I'd rather take a test I haven't studied for than write ANYTHING, even a livejournal post. Which reminds me, I have to write or present a project for my phlebotomy class... Maybe I'll make a really cool poster board.

I've been taking CNA and PCT (Patient Care Technician) classes since January. I loved my CNA class, mostly because of the people in my class. The ages in my class ranged from 19 to 54, and the diversity was hilarious. I made a friend who is from Hong Kong and called me, "Rosary," which made Mark and me laugh from the cliche. Another person in my class was a mid-40s black lady who constantly made the entire class laugh and was super caring. And I made a friend I will probably keep up with, a 19 year old EMT who lives one town away from me and reminds me of my friend, Sarah. I am now taking the PCT class, and I'm really enjoying the Phlebotomy class. Maybe it's because I've been giving blood for a long time (Thanks to my dad), but I find blood to be fascinating. You can learn so much about a person just from taking the right blood draws. I start the EKG class this friday, and I'm really excited about that portion of it, too.

I was going to write more, but that's all I have the mental energy to write right now. Haha.
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Mark showed me this song/poem yesterday, and I really really like it (ignore the mustache....).

Wooden Heart

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because are church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on y'all and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I haven't travelled much in the US...
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visited 21 states (42%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

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I'm at the bouldering gym. I kind of love it here. People who have a monthly or yearly membership have 24-hour access, so it's always open to chill and hang out and climb. Very relaxing. I'm supposed to meet Sarah Hoke (a friend from high school) and some other climbing people here, but no one's showed up yet and I'm already pretty tired.

I don't know how to explain how much I love climbing. It's so relaxing, but hard, frustrating, but calming. When I have a bad day I can come here and climb it off. And most of the climbers I've met are really chill, fun people. Last Saturday there was a halloween party here, and I met a bunch more climbers. We played 3D Twister (AWESOME GAME) and climbed around in costumes. This one guy, Patrick, came as the Pilbury doughboy (which I only mention b/c I call him Pilsbury), and he's looking for a place to live next semester. And Rachel and I conveniently have an extra bedroom in our house. Anyway, he's coming over later to look at the room and meet our other housemate Dan, who also climbs. If Pilsbury moves in we'll have a houseful of climbers!

Well I've been splurging because I feel like I haven't written in forever, and I should. Now however, I am going home for a nap. I think I might have something. I've been really tired the past few days, and I've felt nauseous a few times. *shrug*

Doo, do doo, do dooooo....
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I know I just posted yesterday, but Chelsea and Bekah just posted today and it made me realize how much I like/miss reading everyone's posts! And if I miss your guys' posts, then maybe you miss mine. So here goes.

This past weekend I went home since Rachel was out of town with friends and I didn't want to hang out in our tiny room alone. Being at home usually stresses me out a bit if I'm there too long, but last weekend it was mostly relaxing. Nowadays I don't have many places where I can just relax and be myself and ooze around the house, so going home is kind of a recharge for me. It helped that I had poison ivy--Ruthie refused to hug me the entire weekend. Haha.

By Sunday night though, I was craving people, which made me much more outgoing than usual at our church's 5-year birthday picnic, and pretty talkative in class the next day. Sometimes I wonder if God let me have a stutter so I would learn to watch what I say.

Stuttering is a strange problem to deal with, because you deal with it by ignoring it. Or rather, you accept that it's there and try to pretend it's not there. I pretty much have to think as little as possible about what I'm going to say before I say it. It's a complicated issue--most of it is in my head. For instance, if I think about what I'm going to say, I can see which words I might have problems saying and try to substitute a different word, or rework the sentence to avoid that word. So half of the problem is stuttering, and half is my awareness of having stuttered before. If I can let my thoughts flow directly from my head to my mouth without going through a mental filter first, I'm usually much more fluent. But I kinda need my filter. Dilemma...

Anyways, I didn't intend to talk about stuttering so much... Hmm... It's interesting to see what kind of situations help me stutter less. Being at home usually makes me relaxed, because I don't really care what anyone thinks of me. Being around friends helps SO much, close friends at least. Or the kind that I can joke around with without offending. Guitar Hero helps too, but that'll take a while to explain. Maybe another day.

Summer with Mark
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I tend to post on here when I have something to complain about, rather than just talking about what's happening in life, so this is my attempt to change that.

This summer, Mark and I worked at a landscaping job, cleaned out his grandfather's smoke-soaked house, and built two major landscape features in his parents' backyard. This is the most we've worked together since we've known each other, so it was a learning experience for us both in terms of getting to know each others strengths and weaknesses, annoyances, etc. Mark is definitely the planner in the relationship. Before each project he knew what he wanted to do and how he wanted it done. While he has the major picture in his head and most of the details, I'm more focused on details, like measuring things several times and making cardboard models for steps before we cut the blue stone slabs. Mark has done stonework before at another landscaping job, so he knew how deep we had to dig, what needed to go beneath the stones and bricks to keep them from shifting, and the do's and don't of design. There is no way that the two projects would have turned out as well without him managing most of it.

I think we both learned that Mark is the harder worker. Once we knew what we were doing, he went at everything for hours. But I think I'm more flexible that he is. We ran into several unseen obstacles on both projects--a few extra wells, an inexplicably mismeasured piece of blue stone, huge slabs of quarry stone, and the septic tank that made us cut the last few steps a few inches short--and found out that I'm the more flexible of the two. =)

It's always weird working with someone who thinks differently than me. We had to listen and be patient with each as we carefully tried to explain to the other how they were clearly being stupid. I like to think of myself as an open-minded person, that I keep some room for the other person to be right as well, but really, I can't respect someone's opinion until it clicks in my brain... and then I feel like an idiot for not understanding sooner.

We both had those moments when we grudgingly admitted that the other was right. We both got frustrated with the other and had to take breaks. We both had fun working together though, and we still want to get married. So that's good. =)

That's all the energy I have to spend on this. Going to go study s'more.

(Also, most of the brick patio was Mark. I had a lot of school work at the end of the summer, and then I just didn't want to be the annoying person who jumps in halfway through and wants things explained.)




My Icon is for Bekah. =)
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 And yes! I'm still alive! 

I thought I'd write some more on here, since I only seem to post when I'm away from home/every-last-member-of-my-family. Plus, right now I'm sick with a bug and don't really have anything else to do. 

First of all, I keep realizing how lucky I am to have awesome in-laws. Mark's mom is incredibly blunt and sweet at the same time. And very generous. Any food I mention liking ends up in the fridge within the next few days, a fridge that already has a lot of fruits and veggies and generally yummy healthy foods. She bought me 5 lbs of my favorite Starbucks coffee, and makes it for me every morning before work. I'm spoiled up here. Mark's dad reminds me a lot of Dad, except with a Boston accent. He's hard to describe if you haven't met him. He's a plumber who paints watercolors and oils on the side and comes home with random stuff from the junkyard. I like him. And his sister and brother-in-law are counter-culture film junkies who I'm pretty sure I would be friends with even if I hadn't met them through Mark. All this to say, I feel really lucky to have a future family that I like, and who like me as well. 

I'm also lucky to be able to work with Mark this summer. I wasn't sure about the whole landscaping thing before I got here, since it's something I see as a job for guys. I thought there would be a lot of mowing and weed wacking, etc. but we only do that once a week. The rest of the week is spent planting, weeding, pruning, and just maintaining rich people's yards. It's a nice job. My first week we did several 10-hour days in a row, but they didn't feel that long because I was enjoying myself. I especially like pruning, now that I know how to do it. This job makes me want my own yard so I can use my own ideas on it. The only thing I don't like is how dirty I end up every day. Dirt everywhere! And this past week Mark and I have had to check each other for ticks daily (I've had two on me, and Mark's had three). Ick. 

Last week we both had bad cases of poison ivy. Mark got it in his armpits, on his back and chest, and I got it from my elbows down, in between my fingers and on my palms. Worst I've ever had it. We spent the week working at his granddad's house. His parents are managers of his estate since he has dementia now, so they're paying us to clean out his house. His granddad was a chain smoker for the past 65 years, so cleaning his house has been pretty gross. We've been using a solution of white vinegar, Dawn soap, and water to clean the walls, which are so stained that it looks like coffee is pouring down the walls when we scrub them. 

When we aren't working at one of those jobs, we're either outside or at his friend Rick's house. Rick is a computer nerd with blue hair, lots of video games, and a DVR system he designed himself. He's downloading all the seasons of Doctor Who onto DVDs for me. ^_^ He also has the most intelligent, fun dog I've ever met. I love his dog. 

I just saw the season finale of LOST a few days ago, and I want to talk about it on here. Since I already accidentally spoiled it for my boss, I'm going to hide it. Highlight the next bit if you want to read what I have to say. If you don't, be careful about reading responses to this post. People might have spoilers there. 

SPOILERS

WTF???? They're all DEAD?? How LAME is that? AGH!! That made me so mad! The writers had so much potential, so much they could have done with it, and they chose a plot line that has been overused and that everyone guessed from season TWO! They could have gone with alternate reality, their own twist of a scifi energy source, aliens for all I care, anything but THEY'RE ALL DEAD. It doesn't make sense, even with that plotline. Ok, they're all dead, but how did they die? Why does it matter that they find each other if they didn't know each other before they died? Was the island a purgatory place for them? WHAT WERE THE WRITERS THINKING? That ending totally ruined an otherwise fantastic show. I wish I hadn't seen it now. UGH.

"Stone Tablets" Quotes
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 I wrote this a while ago, but never posted it. This is a really good read.





"Yet his consolation was this: because he paused so much, spoke so slowly, framing each word, checking it and double checking, he always said exactly what he meant to say. Words never slipped out, the way they did with other men. Almost that made up for not being able to speak freely and easily."--Moses

"She wanted to tell him that he did not have to speak the words aloud, that if Satan blocks the tongue, God can also hear the thoughts of the heart."--Zeforah, about Moses trying to pray for the first time.

[a prayer of Moses' mother] "Hast thou ever had a son? Does God contain within his infinite wisdom the knowledge of how it feels to cast a son upon the waters, to set children free into the terrible heat of the sun? Be merciful with my children, as thou wouldst be with thine own most beloved child." 
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Spring
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 I love days like today. The cool air and soft light remind me of working in the garden with mom, playing with my american girl dolls, and dressing up in flowery dresses to go to the Easter sunrise service at church. 

Days like this make me feel happy in a calm, serene way. Maybe the word is content.